Acts of Desperation, Megan Nolan
An unnamed narrator meets alluring writer, Ciaran. After a short and passionate affair, she feels she has been dropped without warning, and will do just about anything to go back to how things were. It’s perhaps the simplest line in Megan Nolan’s debut novel that made me well up: “That is when it should’ve ended”. It pinpoints the Stockholm Syndrome often experienced in an emotionally abusive relationship, and the steps you can retrace afterwards where, in theory, you could have escaped with a lot less baggage.
Acts of Desperation has reconfirmed to me that our experiences are rarely unique. It can be hard to recognise psychological abuse, as the words of others can be so etched into our identity to the extent that we do not trust our own minds. If someone tells you something about yourself enough times, then it must be true… right?
To say the least, Nolan displays a dysfunctional relationship dynamic: snapping, the silent treatment, always feeling like you’re repenting for something not even your partner seems to be able to identify, contradictions, and inferiority complexes. At times, Nolan blurs morality, the protagonist’s idiosyncrasies mixing with her partner’s, but crucially, for me, the line is still distinguished between abuser and victim.
This novel deals with imperfect endings, past flames which seem to take years to heal from, people who circle back into your life, and those that remain dead in the past. It integrates first loves, teenage torment and ignoring the warnings from friends and family about that one unsavoury person you can’t seem to wean yourself off. Nolan captures the experience of encountering the same archetypes over and over in life, all with terrifying likeness – there’s one for the believers in simulation theory!
Nolan illustrates with alarming accuracy the compulsion to chase good moments with someone, gaslighting, being in fight-or-flight in your own sanctuary and realising all too late that you’ve formed a bond with someone who is repulsed by your tears. I frequently had to pause the audiobook, wide-eyed when listening to the chilling reading of Ciaran. It was so real. I sensed the story had to be inspired by personal experience, which was confirmed by this piece.
Acts of Desperation made me uncomfortable, but I allowed it for the sake of the honest author-reader connection most of us pick up a book for. I hope this is the last novel I read which centres so closely around relationship abuse. I’m unsure if it would be more or less enjoyable for those who can relate to it. “Enjoyable” may be the wrong word, but the writing is deeply effective and I’m glad the story exists. It has the potential to bring solace and help people recognise when something is off in their relationships and those around them. I’m certain it has already.
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